An Open Letter to Seeley Booth From A Concerned Pair

In Bones, Shep's Soapbox, Shep's Thoughts on November 6, 2010 at 6:41 pm

I know I haven’t blogged in a while and there’s really no excuse for that. Don’t get me wrong I could give you all a list a mile long, but the fact is I won’t. In fact this isn’t even my return to blogging. Instead, I was anonymously approached by two concerned individuals who needed to be heard. So I’ll get back to blogging eventually, but this isn’t my turn. It’s theirs and far be it from me to deny anyone the opportunity to have their say. ~Shep

Dear Seeley,

We know it’s been a while since we’ve talked. It’s been a while since we’ve had any sort of input in your life, mostly because nothing you’ve done over the past few years has really affected us all that much. In fact, most things you do don’t affect us at all. We’re just there, hanging out in the background. So it stands to reason that you could forget about us when making important life decisions. But dating someone is an extremely important life decision, and believe it or not it’s one that directly affects us so we’re sharing our thoughts, questions and concerns about this most recent development in your life.

Don’t get us wrong, we were happy for you in the beginning. Honestly, Hannah’s hot and when you decided to hit that, let’s just say we were behind you (so to speak) 1000%. Seriously, we were thanking our lucky stars, praising any being that could be considered holy and the like. Finally man, you were getting some. Nothing makes us happier than that.

So when you were all done under that fig tree, we were happy, nay, ecstatic. Now, it’s months later and we’re not happy at all, and there’s not even an unplanned pregnancy to blame in all this. Don’t get us wrong, you getting some on a daily basis is definitely something that we can cross off our bucket list, but we think it’s time for an intervention. We should probably just come right out and say it.

Your relationship with Hannah is killing us.

It’s not the constant sex that’s the problem. Dude, we’re happily down for that. It’s just that…and we’ve tried to think of a nicer way to phrase this, but nothing seems to come out as perfect as…

You seem to be growing a vagina.

Back in Afghanistan it was hot. You were doing her all over the place and we couldn’t get enough. Not surprisingly though, you haven’t had any in years (‘You do fine’ Yeah, OKAY.) But now that she’s here you’ve morphed into the chick in the relationship. You proclaimed to your shrink that you went out and bought her bathroom stuff (read: tampons). She’s out getting shot and you’re sitting by her side like Suzy Homemaker nursing her back to health with a juice box and quietly whispering “I’ll miss you” after she leaves the room.

Dude, WHAT THE HELL? You’re like the heroine in any romance novel ever. And we’re not talking the good kind of romance novels, where there’s a little bit mystery and some betrayal, maybe a little action. We’re talking the Harlequin shit you can pick up Stop & Shop. We’re not kidding either. Go to the store, grab one, read the back cover and then head on over to the feminine products aisle and pick yourself up some tampons. You need them more than she does.

That being said, we’re here to tell you to man the fuck up. Seriously, when Gordon Gordon told you to “grow a set” in regards to you not being able to fire off a gun to protect your partner, we came to your defense and we were deeply, deeply offended. Now, as we find ourselves in the cocoon of warmth that we’ve shriveled ourselves in to for the sheer purpose of preservation and lack of embarrassment, we sincerely hope that this letter makes a difference. Because next time someone gives you that advice, look down. You’ll realize that they’re right.

God speed, friend.

Your Balls.

I'm Back Bitches. (And Gentlemen)

  1. All it takes to lose ones manhood is to buy bathroom stuff and say “I’ll miss you”?

    So how about Booth just pisses over the toilet seat and tells her to make him a sandwich.

    • I’m not saying he has to be Rambo or Al Bundy, I’m just pointing out that this is a new side of Booth that we’re seeing & it’s one i don’t particularly care for. And I think part of the reason I wasn’t digging it was because we’ve never really seen Seeley Booth in “relationship mode.” There was a great point made on twitter that if this were Brennan that he did this for, no one would bat an eye. Because we’ve seen Brennan & Booth’s past and we’ve watched their relationship evolve over time. We weren’t introduced to the beginning of Booth & Hannah, we came in at the middle. I think that for me plays a large factor in believablility. So when Booth is all gung ho about moving her in and nursing her back to health with juice boxes, I can’t call upon a reference point of “oh, well I remember when they looked at each other like that for the first time,” or “I remember how hot the first time they got together was.” We weren’t shown that on purpose, because the evolution is about Booth & Brennan not Booth & Hannah.

      I don’t hate her and I was one of the first people to jump to her defense when she first came on. I’m down for giving her a chance, although this past week was just beyond weird, and it rubbed me the wrong way. When that happens, I can either sit and bitch and moan, or I can do things like make testicles write letters. I went for the latter.

  2. I like hannah, but only because I think she is getting set up to change Brennan’s outlook on life. Maybe even get the B’s together.

  3. I have no words and I do not mean this in a good way. Going a little overboard there, Shep. JMO

  4. OMG I laughed so hard reading this & then found it was written from his balls & laughed even more.

  5. Snort, snort!
    I have to agree with Shep on the shared history front regarding the difference between B/B and B/H. If Booth acts like a sap around Brennan in the future (and I don’t think he will, if the coma dream was any indication), at least I can recall earlier moments and understand why. With Hannah, the show has been trying too hard to tell us she’s cool. It’s a hard sell. At some point, I’m thinking, dude, it was just a roll under the fig tree. (I was thinking Booth was acting like a high schooler dating the prom queen, but Harlequin heroine is funnier.)

  6. LMAO! I knew it! Booth should listen to his balls more often, since his gut seems to be MIA lately.
    I have to be honest with you, I don’t even know what I want anymore -OK, I know what I want, but since B&B together ain’t happening anytime soon-. Let’s discuss the Booth & Hannah conundrum. Shall we?
    I was seriously willing to give Hannah a shot. Remember when we first met Cam? Not exactly promising, and yet we grew fond of her. What happened then? I wanted to punch my couch/wall/TV every time they showed a hot sexy scene starring B&H (well, not the naked-Booth parts, but that only goes so far). After giving some thought to the matter, I realized it felt like a contradiction to all the “making love” VS “crappy sex” speeches from the past. So, that must be the reason. Right? It seems I was mistaken, or delusional.
    Fast forward to the last episode, and I’m forced to conclude that no matter how they paint it, I’ll never be happy with this relationship: all we’re getting is sweet and mellow, lovey-dovey Booth, cooking for Hannah and whispering “I’ll miss you” when she goes to work… and I feel like I’m about to die of hyperglycemia! GAAAHHH!!!

    Do you understand why I say I don’t know what I want anymore?

    PS: sorry about the long rant, I needed to get that out of my chest. LOL!

  7. Booth has been acting wimpy and whiney since ‘Critic in the Cabaret’ when he was all wishy washy about having a baby with Brennan.

    Throughout S5 he was wimpy and whiney again as he was recovering from his surgery. Alot of fans used this as a defense (which is fine) but it still doesn’t mean he wasn’t those things. He even went so far to whine about not knowing if he liked brown sugar on his oatmeal! Geez Dude! Put brown sugar on the stuff, taste it and find out for yourself!

    He pussed out twice telling Brennan that he loves her. First in ‘Harbringer’ when he added ‘in an atta girl kinda way’ and in the 100th when he didn’t even mention that he loved her but just wanted a personal relationship with her. Both these chances were when he took advice from a 12 year old.

    This year is a continuation of how pathetic Booth has really become.

    Here is my favorite ironic saying: S4, Brennan wanted a baby. S5/6, Booth acts like a baby.

    It seems that HH gave Brennan her wish.

  8. watch your mouths, balls, a vagina is a very fine part of the female anatomy – don´t use having one as an insult! loosing one´s balls doesn´t mean growing a vagina (just rewatch “he in the she” to get details), it just means being neutered.

    getting that of my chest, I agreed with the soapy heroine part.

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