The Voice: Looking for the World’s Next Screeching Cat

In Uncategorized on March 20, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Long Island residents who heard a howl of epic proportions last night around 8:30, I apologize. That was me dealing with the fact that after perhaps one of the world’s worst performances in the history of…I’m going to go with ever, CeeLo chose to pass along former model Erin Martin over rock duo the Sheilds brothers on The Voice. Normally, I love when a TV show causes me to have such a visceral reaction, like for example with The Big C. The past two season finales have caused me to engage in what I can only describe as “ugly sobbing.” And I screamed aloud in sheer happiness when on Bones, Brennan announced her pregnancy. I’ve done happiness and I’ve done sadness, but never in my life have I been so MAD at a TV show.

It was shocking to me that Martin made it through the first round of blind auditions. From watching her discuss her time as a model she came off as horrendously self absorbed and for a minute I thought that the Voice would come through. I thought that the “pretty little model who thinks she’s all that” would be bitchsmacked back down with the rest of us unworthy peons. But The Voice isn’t about dream crushing and to my shock, two judges turned around. I could practically hear the “ping” when CeeLo laid eyes on her. You know what I’m talking about.

The fact of the matter was that her performance was horrible. Her rendition of ‘Hey There, Deliah’ showcased nothing but a weak vocal range and the ability to replicate the sound of one’s vocal chords being scraped along a cheese grater. Part of me hoped that Blake, who I love so dearly, only turned around to offer her a Riccola.

CeeLo’s initial judgments were 100% not relegated to her voice, but instead to her appearance. “You are a wonderful creature of a woman. You look beautiful.” Upon seeing his reaction, I came to rethink what exactly Christina meant when she exclaimed “CeeLo is so HAPPY right now.” Perhaps the best reaction of the night came after her highness blatantly asked Adam why he didn’t turn around. “I was confused and perhaps..a little bit scared.” I was scared too, Adam. So, so, scared.

Think Jessie Spano on caffeine pills terrified.

I lost a tremendous amount of respect for both CeeLo and Blake, but Blake redeemed himself by not really fighting all that hard for her. But last night, CeeLo really took the cake.

Pairing Erin against the rock duo, The Sheilds brothers was a cop out in my opinion. Of all contestants on his team, these were the two weakest. The rock group who CeeLo who really doesn’t understand how to coach because he’s hardly a rock singer and the woman with a grainy, pitchy mix who, let’s be honest sings like a 3 year old who’s a candidate for Speech therapy going to pair up for Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got to Do With It”. The only thing that can possibly come up with a grouping so strange is a game of drunken mad libs.

As the pairing began, it was obvious that she was trying to take control, telling CeeLo, that she felt she “should have that part” of the song. My initial reaction to that comment was “I’m sorry sweetheart, there is no 5th chair and you are certainly not in it.” From that moment, I looked forward to her being canned. After all, everyone in America just witnessed her questioning CeeLo’s coaching advice. Just look at the difference between her reactions to a coach’s advice and to The Sheilds brothers.

Sheilds Brothers: The best advice that Babyface and CeeLo gave to us was just to pull back. We’re not really used to pulling back.

Erin: My confidence was just completely shaken. I didn’t get what they were trying to say. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that someone thought that *I* was not sexy.

As much as I hated her in that moment (and that was ALOT), I was also kinda shocked at CeeLo. Ne-Yo completely understood and grasped the context of the song, but when CeeLo described it as sexy, it made me realize that he’s looking at the marketability of the artist and not the artist themselves. She’s hot, therefore she can do a sexy song.

After a performance as what I can only describe as a screeching cat stuck in a garbage disposal, Erin managed to make it through. Why? Probably because CeeLo wants to doink her.

Checking The Voice’s Facebook feed and doing a twitter search will give you several hundred variations of what I’ve already said above. In fact, Erin making it through to the live shows seems to be the absolute biggest controversy surrounding The Voice right now. So what does all this mean?

Was it a ratings stunt? Was she passed through just to get people talking about the show? Because they certainly are. Did the brain that sits beneath CeeLo’s cat override the brain that sits on top of his shoulders? I think so. And this all is just making me angry.

The Voice was SO different than American Idol because it seemed that it was actually about talent. Javier Colon was amazing but at the end of the day, his record sales failed to deliver. So now we face things like marketability of the singer and controversial decisions. I’m finding myself less invested and in 2 weeks when Bones comes back to battle The Voice on Mondays at 8PM, I’m in their corner.

That girl makes me want to kick a puppy. And I LOVE puppies.

  1. She was SO BAD, and even beyond that, she was terrible during the coaching. Cee-lo even corrected her and said he liked the song the way he had in mind, and she was one ‘three snaps in a z formation’ away from walking out, it seemed. As if!

    The Shields Bros were not going to win it all, but they did the best job in the battle.

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