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Tuesday’s Hangover: The Best TV Moments from Last Night (incl Raising Hope, Cougar Town, New Girl & Breaking In)

In Uncategorized on March 21, 2012 at 11:50 am

I’m not sure about the rest of you but Tuesday has most definitely ousted Thursday as the Must See comedy night on TV for me. In fact with Glee currently off the schedule and no special performances of American Idol, I’m damn near sure that this is the best night on television. Don’t believe me? Check out the recaps and best lines of the night below.

After a painful (and apparently second) nipple injury, Jimmy does some research and finds out that nearly everything Hope owns is either dangerous by his standards or the government’s. To pay for new things that won’t accidentally kill the baby/injure Jimmy’s freakishly long yet extremely sensitive nipples, Virginia takes a job as nanny to a highly temperamental teenage girl. Jimmy, meanwhile, realizes that the best way to care for Maw Maw is to let her live in a delusion in which she believes him to be her dead husband Willard.

Best Lines:

Natalie: Why would you buy me these jeans? Look at these holes! They’re in all the wrong places!
Father: How am I supposed to know, the right holes from the wrong holes?
Natalie: Maybe that’s why Mom left you!

8 year old Jimmy: My nipple, my nipple, my nipple!

Burt: We can make money some other way. What if I sell my plasma? To those people who make the fancy TVs?!

Virginia: No, I am still cool! I’m like…Alicia Silverstone! And Alicia would say that you are clueless about the risks of teenage sex.

Sabrina: Jimmy, you know I love your quirky family but you nailing your great grandmother is going to be a deal breaker for me.

Burt: This piece of popcorn fell down Virginia’s cleavage. Just when you think boobs can’t get any better…butter flavored!

Maw Maw: Speaking of things that purr, I have a gift you can open. Here’s a hint: it’s my legs.

The long standing Grayson wants a baby dilemma is solved when he runs into an ex and finds out he’s a daddy: to a baby girl named Tampa. As Jules tries to deal with the news, Ellie deals with the fact that Bobby’s penchant for surfing is interrupting her “wave sitting.”

Best Lines:

Going through Grayson’s Lost and Found “Bang Box”
Laurie: This is my bra! Oh right, I always forget that we hooked up.

Jules: Yesterday I took a shower without talking to you on speakerphone!
Ellie: And?
Jules: It was horrible.

Travis: So, what brings you to the Phallus Palace?
Laurie: That would be such a good gay bar name!
Travis: Then we shall find a new house name.

Ellie: I don’t actually ride the waves. I sit. I’m a wave sitter.
Bobby: That makes less sense than non-alcoholic beer. Or soccer.

Laurie: There’s my baby girl!
Jules: You know HER?
Laurie: Tampa’s my god daughter.
Grayson: My daughter’s name is Tampa?
Ellie: I think this might be my favorite day ever.

Laurie: Why are you joining the black frat?
Travis: Sig has always considered himself black adjacent.

Jules: It is exhausting thinking of other people’s feelings.
Ellie: I know, that’s why I stopped doing it.

Jess comes to blows with a wealthy father of one of her students and then realizes that she likes him. Winston deals with the fact that Schmidt is better at bar trivia than he is, which leaves him feeling less than adequate in front of Shelby. When Nick’s low credit score causes him to be denied a cell phone, he attempts to go “Ghost Protocol” and live as Nick Miller, the man without a phone.

Best Lines:

About Nick’s credit score
Jess: 250? You get 150 just for being alive!

Jess: Do you have a box of charity phones that you’re sending to Africa? Can he just have one of those?

Shelby: Calvin Coolige’s birthplace? How do you know something like that?
Schimdt: Question, how do you forget something like that? Jar! I’m going to jar myself on that one.

Schmidt: Winston, don’t feel bad. It’s your public school education. You’ll catch up. Jar again!

Tonya: From now on, your classroom is full on North Korea. Math! Math! Math!

Winston: You weigh more than your credit score.

Jess: I don’t know how to drive cars that work.

CeCe: Spencer. Wore. Jellies.

Nick: This hallway’s excessive. It’s braggy.

Addressing a stuffed duck
Nick: I want to kill you. Because I respect you. (To Jess) I think I understand hunting!

Jess: Bidet, if I do.

Schmidt: Winston, you are all over the place. The Green Bay Packers did not invent the “D” formation, nor was Crispin Glover the first man to die in the Revolutionary War.

Schmidt: Do you want me to put on some Jodeci?

When Contra Security decides to go up against a 14 year old hacker by the name of Rembrant, Veronica decides the boy just needs some guidance and thus makes him the office intern. Meanwhile, Cameron navigates his feelings for Melanie, who fights him nearly every step of the way. Nearly.

Best Lines:

Cash: Look, I’ve told you before. Melanie is an ice road trucker caught inside the body of a telemundo weather girl.

Cash: Oh, my eyes just had sex.

Veronica: Yeah, it’s a great big file. I let her carry it around otherwise I might get those big crazy Madonna arms.

Veronica: Aww, how sweet. You know your dog is a possum right? I can tell because that is a possum.

After Cameron gives her his jacket
Melanie: Oh, see. Right there. It’s like you’re living in a Katherine Heigl movie. And she sucks.

Veronica: Hold on a second, it’s my conscious calling. Hi Renee. Oh, sorry, can you hear me now? Oh okay. Okay, bye now. (To Oz) Renee thinks you’re a douche.

Melanie: Ready for round 3?
Cam: Absolutely, just give me 20 minutes and some coconut water and I’ll be good.

Veronica: Jamal’s father pushed a broom for Inatech for 30 years. And one day before he was supposed to receive his pension, they fire him. How do you feel now?
Office guy: I don’t care at all.
Oz: Veronica, Jamal’s father is a very successful chiropractor. You’ve just been played by a child.

Oz: Damn it, now I’m feeling feelings!

Cash: Where were you last night? Love and Other Drugs came on. Anne Hathaway gets topless. I wanted to watch it on the phone with you.

Cam: Virginity is making you crazy.
Cash: Falsehood! I had sex with a woman twice. Comic Con ’08 & ’09. She Hawk and Lady Yoda.

THE MVPs

Line of the Night: Winner goes to Schmidt (no shocker there considering how much I love him) for his “Do you want me to turn on some Jodeci?” moment.

Scene Stealer of the Night: Creepy Carol from Breaking In. Her attempt to get a 14 yr old to sexually harass her was hilarious.

Scene of the Night: Cameron and Melanie’s long awaited hookup finally happening…to a Spanish version of Peter Gabriel’s in your eyes.

Show of the Night: Cougar Town wins it with the reveal of Grayson’s daughter. Spoilers made this news seem like a paltry predictable bandaid for the Jules vs. Grayson kid problem, it actually turned out to be one of the greatest reveals in the shows history. His kid’s name is Tampa, her mother (who thinks his full name is Graymond) puts glitter blush on her and Laurie is Tampa’s god mother. Ellie was right. Favorite. Day. Ever.

What was your favorite show of the evening? Take the poll and hit the comments!

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