shepherdstv

The Bachelorette – Ranking The Men

In Episode Recaps, Shep's Thoughts on June 24, 2016 at 12:13 am

It’s been a while since I’ve meandered back over here to share my thoughts on anything to do with TV, but it’s okay you guys because I’ve found the one thing that actually gives me reason to do it – the current season of The Bachelorette.

I have to give my husband the credit for this one, because hidden beneath the exterior of a video game loving Taco Bell enthusiast* is the heart of a man who loves the trashiest reality TV. It was he who settled on an episode of The Bachelor last season where we first met JoJo. And it was he who came back to watch the season finale where we watched her heart get shattered by Ben. And it was he, who set a season pass for The Bachelorette without me asking.

And now our Monday nights are spent praying that our two month old stays down for the night while we enjoy chalupas and eagerly anticipate which guy will get the heave-ho from JoJo.

That being said, I’m just going to go ahead and rank all of the men in no particular order aside from alphabetical because I still don’t know if I have a favorite. (I’m lying. I do. It’s Wells.)

bachelorette

Alex – For a marine, he’s certainly not as manly as one would be expect. There’s sensitive and then there’s whiny bitch and Alex is kind of falling a little more into the latter category.

Ali – When your eyebrows are the most memorable thing about you, you’re going home. (And he did…preferably to find a good waxer.)

Brandon – Poor Brandon. He wanted to experience a love similar to that in The Notebook. The closest his hipster-self can get is to write about his time on The Bachelorette in a notebook since he’s gone now. And he will. Because he’s a hipster…he HAS a journal, probably hidden beneath a pile of fedoras that he only likes ironically.

Chad – I couldn’t tell if he was a planted actor or just a sociopathic deli-meat enthusiast, but regardless he’s said farewell, with just the slightest hint of serial killer.

Chase – He’s good looking enough, but his personality leaves much to be desired.

Christian – I actually liked him, but since I’m not JoJo, my opinion matters not.

Coley – A smile as big as…something really big. It was too big. Honestly frighteningly so.

Daniel – His occupation was listed as “Canadian” and he aligned himself with Chad. Bad idea, eh?

Derek – He recently needed reassurance from JoJo. It’s okay Derek. You’re good enough, you’re smart enough and gosh darn it, people like you. But NOT Alex.

Evan – The  erectile dysfunction specialist didn’t get a new shirt from Chad OR a rose from JoJo. Thus recaps Evan and the No Good Horrible Very Bad Day.

Grant – Like most firefighters, he was hot but his personality was akin to that of a doorknob.

Jake –  He stated that in 5 years he saw himself married to The Bachelorette, expecting their first child. Which bachelorette? Because not this one.

James F.- Owned a boxing club. And that’s all I can pretty much remember about him. And he probably hated Chad. Because, let’s be honest…who didn’t hate Chad?

James S. – Bachelorette superfan. Possibly would have made Chris Harrison into a coat had he lasted longer.

James Taylor – The only james out of the three to actually have his last (possibly middle) name listed. And that makes him important.

Jonathan – Who? Did he even speak? Seriously, did he say words? Was he on this show?

Jordan – Hot former football player. Brother of hot current football player. Potentially mini Chad in training.

Luke – Super hot, but also interchangeable with Jordan at this point in the show.

Nick B. – Listed his favorite magazine as Ducks Unlimited. As well he should. Because Ducks Limited just isn’t bringing it anymore.

Nick S. – He’s ruggedly handsome and afraid of “scary” cheese. Perhaps JoJo saw this as a symptom of potential lactose intolerance that could be passed on to their future babies and that’s why she cut him. Or because he’s a 26 year old man who’s greatest fear isn’t dying alone but brie.

Peter – Were you BFF’s with Jonathan? Were you guys just like, out by the pool?

Robby – Falls in line with Jordan and Luke. JoJo has a type and it makes them indistinguishable from one another. (Or maybe I should cut back on the moscato during these episodes to be able to tell these guys apart.)

Sal – Oh Sal. You…were a guy. That was there. I think.

Vinny – Never trust a barber with a bowl cut.

Wells – Dude brought All 4 One with him to meet JoJo. And is hilarious. When she cuts him for one of the wolf pack, I will be sad. I swear. (By the moon and the stars in the sky).

Will – He was sweet. So, he’s not there anymore.

shepherdstv

Can I Accept A Rose?

*Enthusiast does not properly describe his love for the Bell. He would marry a flatbread if he could.

 

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