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An Open Letter to Seeley Booth From A Concerned Pair

In Bones, Shep's Soapbox, Shep's Thoughts on November 6, 2010 at 6:41 pm

I know I haven’t blogged in a while and there’s really no excuse for that. Don’t get me wrong I could give you all a list a mile long, but the fact is I won’t. In fact this isn’t even my return to blogging. Instead, I was anonymously approached by two concerned individuals who needed to be heard. So I’ll get back to blogging eventually, but this isn’t my turn. It’s theirs and far be it from me to deny anyone the opportunity to have their say. ~Shep

Dear Seeley,

We know it’s been a while since we’ve talked. It’s been a while since we’ve had any sort of input in your life, mostly because nothing you’ve done over the past few years has really affected us all that much. In fact, most things you do don’t affect us at all. We’re just there, hanging out in the background. So it stands to reason that you could forget about us when making important life decisions. But dating someone is an extremely important life decision, and believe it or not it’s one that directly affects us so we’re sharing our thoughts, questions and concerns about this most recent development in your life.

Don’t get us wrong, we were happy for you in the beginning. Honestly, Hannah’s hot and when you decided to hit that, let’s just say we were behind you (so to speak) 1000%. Seriously, we were thanking our lucky stars, praising any being that could be considered holy and the like. Finally man, you were getting some. Nothing makes us happier than that.

So when you were all done under that fig tree, we were happy, nay, ecstatic. Now, it’s months later and we’re not happy at all, and there’s not even an unplanned pregnancy to blame in all this. Don’t get us wrong, you getting some on a daily basis is definitely something that we can cross off our bucket list, but we think it’s time for an intervention. We should probably just come right out and say it.

Your relationship with Hannah is killing us.

It’s not the constant sex that’s the problem. Dude, we’re happily down for that. It’s just that…and we’ve tried to think of a nicer way to phrase this, but nothing seems to come out as perfect as…

You seem to be growing a vagina.

Back in Afghanistan it was hot. You were doing her all over the place and we couldn’t get enough. Not surprisingly though, you haven’t had any in years (‘You do fine’ Yeah, OKAY.) But now that she’s here you’ve morphed into the chick in the relationship. You proclaimed to your shrink that you went out and bought her bathroom stuff (read: tampons). She’s out getting shot and you’re sitting by her side like Suzy Homemaker nursing her back to health with a juice box and quietly whispering “I’ll miss you” after she leaves the room.

Dude, WHAT THE HELL? You’re like the heroine in any romance novel ever. And we’re not talking the good kind of romance novels, where there’s a little bit mystery and some betrayal, maybe a little action. We’re talking the Harlequin shit you can pick up Stop & Shop. We’re not kidding either. Go to the store, grab one, read the back cover and then head on over to the feminine products aisle and pick yourself up some tampons. You need them more than she does.

That being said, we’re here to tell you to man the fuck up. Seriously, when Gordon Gordon told you to “grow a set” in regards to you not being able to fire off a gun to protect your partner, we came to your defense and we were deeply, deeply offended. Now, as we find ourselves in the cocoon of warmth that we’ve shriveled ourselves in to for the sheer purpose of preservation and lack of embarrassment, we sincerely hope that this letter makes a difference. Because next time someone gives you that advice, look down. You’ll realize that they’re right.

God speed, friend.

Sincerely,
Your Balls.

I'm Back Bitches. (And Gentlemen)

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